Investing in a Friendship

We need to ask three crucial questions:

• When do we get involved?
• When do we quit?
• When do we keep investing?

When do we get involved?

I think I answered that question in a previous blog, “Four factors in a friendship”. I listed Common Interests, Common Values, Chemistry and Trust.

When you have all four, the friendship sparkles, glows, energy is received and given back. When one is missing, the friendship is going to slide or perhaps take a back seat. When the crucial element of Trust is missing, the friendship is doomed.

When do we quit?

In that blog, the deal-breaker for me is when someone holds a grudge and refuses to mend broken bridges. The typical scenario is the person who just ghosts you. I know of longsuffering friends who will hang on and make excuses for bad behavior. I have observed that denial doesn’t really solve the problem; rather, it prolongs it. Those friendships end despite their efforts.

Will I keep investing in a friendship that has negative returns? Probably not.

When do we keep investing?

What are the returns that we may look for in a friendship? For me, it is the freedom of being understood; that the other party isn’t going to second-guess everything I say; that if she doesn’t understand or has a negative perception of what I say or do, she won’t take the role of judge, jury and executioner.

She will ask and listen for my perspective. She doesn’t allow the prejudices of third parties to sway her thinking — she will observe for herself. She will allow time to show her the truth. She will also allow for the possibility that some of her negative reactions could be the result of her projecting her inner hurts at me.

When I was working full-time in church and in charge of many of the younger generation, I found that some of them had mother issues. Not all, fortunately. But my ears always perk up when they say, “You’re just like my mother!” Actually, time will tell that I’m not like their mum, not at all!

Are all the disappointments in friendships worth the risk? Yes, yes and yes.

The benefits of having good friends by my side, tried and tested through time, outweigh all the disappointments of having friends who were less than what I had expected. The rewards outweigh the losses. So, I will continue risking.

After all, I am an investor.

Photo by Duy Pham on Unsplash

Steps to Keeping Your Healing

Start with a clear idea of what the issue is that you received ministry for.

An example is a strained relationship; every time you think of the person, you think of all the things that you could have, should have, done but didn’t. There’s pain, there’s regret, there are inner vows to never ever… (fill in the blanks). As the emotional pain keeps nagging away and doesn’t leave, you decide to contact your counsellor and arrange a time, praying for God to work during the session.

Then, you receive the ministry. What I have noticed is that after the ministry, some people forget what happened. Things may have changed for the better, but they attribute it to circumstance or their own personal resolve. As far as they are concerned, the ministry was a non-event, it was their own doing that caused the change. So there’s no praise, no thanksgiving to the Lord, no testimony to share.

In the Old Testament, a public offering of thanks is customary. It is a declaration to all that God is intensely interested in our lives and builds faith in others. When we testify, we add to our storehouse of memories of God’s faithfulness that becomes a bulwark of strength in times of adversity that are sure to come.

So it’s important to do something to remember the event. Keeping a diary is an effective way. Remember to note the following:

1. What happened?
2. What did God say or do in the session that impacted you? I had a client whom the Lord ministered to in such a deep place that she said, “Stop, stop. I must write it down and have it on my Screensaver!”
   1. Time and again, recall that wonderful moment; drink deeply from it as you relive it in your mind and heart. Give thanks to the Lord your healer.
3. Next, note changes in your behavior in real life. For instance, your enemy’s speech or behavior doesn’t hurt you anymore. Celebrate that.
   1. Let your ministry giver know about the change. Have her celebrate with you too!
4. Continue to read and pray Scriptures in your quiet time. This is most important. It’s your daily connection with the Lord that helps keep you whole. Note any fears, worries and other negative feelings that bubble up; talk these over with the Lord until you have a sense of peace. If you don’t have a sense of peace after trying to deal with issues on your own or with a friend, it’s time to contact your trusted counsellor again.
5. The reality is that healing is an ongoing journey, even for the most experienced prayer ministers. We are all going through a sanctification process and time and again, we need help from one another.
6. There will be seasons when you’ll be very active in pursuing your healing, and seasons when you will be resting in what you have gained.

When I compare myself now with how I was when I first met the Lord, the difference is immense and I’m grateful.

The abundant life that Jesus mentioned is real, but it’s not handed to us on a platter. We have to work for it.

Photo by Marcos Paulo Prado on Unsplash

Leaving a Legacy Behind

“There’s no such thing as aging gracefully. We age in fits and starts,” my older sister declared.

As the youngest of five siblings, I am now watching the older ones age first. I have watched as the once strong and loud ones diminish over time as bodies start giving way, disease start creeping in. Once so sure of themselves, always walking ahead of me, I now have had to slow down so that we can walk in step.

I have seen others go through the ravages of divorce and abusive marriages and now, in their 70s and 80s, have found solace in gardening, switching to vegetarianism, making soothing drinks from plants that were common a few generations ago and spontaneously bursting into childhood songs, holding hands as they sang. I could be wrong, but I wonder if that was the way they coped with pain — by keeping busy and escaping into the past.

Then I look at how I have coped. I had decided early on to look squarely at the past, to see where I have undergone Type A and Type B trauma and to seek ministry for these once I knew where to go.

And even as I have been healed, I ministered healing to others and found satisfaction in watching them grow into warmer, healthier, more loving and more successful human beings as the fears and wounds that stunted their personal growth were dealt with, one at a time.

So, what is my legacy I hope to leave behind, even as I am now entering the winter season of life?

When I leave planet Earth, I hope to leave behind a group of people who have had their souls and spirits healed to such an extent that they become a force for good to those whom God will send into their path.

A Lesson from my Pilates Journey

Four months after starting Pilates exercises, I have a pretty good idea of the range of instructors out there — some very technical-oriented, others very free-spirited and creative in their exercises.

I need both. I need the physiotherapy-trained instructor to carefully put me through my paces in structured, fairly predictable programs. Good, but a bit boring. So I balance that with the free-spirited one who challenges me with new exercises in each session and leaves me invigorated. And, there were others who were just “okay”.

Then I decided to look at their credentials. The technical ones cited their degrees or certificates from various bodies; the “okay” ones had sports backgrounds but no certification.

The free-spirited one didn’t bother to cite anything.

Obviously, she has had good technical training. Her demonstrations were clear and precise but more important, she was quick to spot and correct any misalignment, and to lower the difficulty level for beginners like me. I could feel her passion for the sport as she cheered us on. She has many loyal followers.

I enjoy her boldness in being herself in a very credentials-oriented society.

In contrast, years ago when I was a cub reporter in The Straits Times, the bosses in an experiment hired a new employee that had a PhD in something or other. Weeks passed, and she couldn’t produce. She was one lonely woman in the newsroom. The veterans, many who started their career when degrees weren’t required and climbed the ladder through sheer grit, scoffed: “Got PhD, but cannot write.” Three months later, she was quietly let go.

In my journey, I have met those who have some credentials but cannot perform and everyone can see it; I have met those with good credentials, perform very well, but have naysayers on the side; I have met those who don’t cite worldly credentials but their life-changing, pioneering ways have changed my life and the lives of others and who have had to constantly deal with persistent, toxic criticism of them. They are like someone all Christians are familiar with.

Photo by The Nix Company on Unsplash

The “Two or Three” Principle

WEDNESDAY’S WORD

Many Christians are aware of Matthew 18:18, where Jesus introduces the “two or three” principle, but may not be aware that the enemy also uses it.

¹⁸ “Truly I tell you, whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven.

¹⁹ “Again, truly I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything they ask for, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven. ²⁰ For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them.”

The presupposition in this passage was that if believers would agree on something that would be in the will of God, that it would be done for them “on earth as it is in heaven.”

The enemy also uses this principle, but to do his will. How does he do it?

Usually, he preys on one person first — someone with bitterness in their lives — and gets the person offended. Then Sally, filled with anger and distrust, instead of gently approaching the offender with the aim of getting clarification, decides to unload on Amy. And Sally wants Amy to agree that Mary is this really bad person.

If Amy disagrees, then Mary remains free of oppression for a time; but bitter people are persistent. If Amy doesn’t cave in over time, she will find other people who would agree with her. With enough agreement, Mary finds herself oppressed and her ministry has difficulty moving forward. But if she knows in her heart that the ministry is God’s calling, not her doing, she will wait on the Lord for vindication.

Every person I know who has God’s call in their lives and are acting on it, have to face the opposition of bitter believers.

If only all believers can receive the abundance that Jesus has promised in His Word! And His Word is true. The abundance is there. I have received it, and I am continuing to receive it.

And people who are bitter resent those who are enjoying His abundance, not realizing it’s there within their grasp but — they need to change their mindset. And change is hard for many.

Once, someone came to me in a desperate state. I said, “Okay, I know you’ve gone through traditional healing and deliverance and it hasn’t worked. How about I do something different, and bless your spirit?” She couldn’t receive the blessing. So I went back to praying the more “traditional” spiritual warfare prayers and there was some release for her. But I knew she would have to work hard at rebuilding her spirit and soul, and it would take at least 1-2 years to see a breakthrough. I also knew she wanted a quick fix and wouldn’t be back.

So, the evil one plays on the immaturity and the ignorance of believers who insist that God must do a miracle now to restore their lives but forget that it was many years of the same habits that got them in this mess and it will take years to get them out. God says we need to “work out our salvation with fear and trembling” — the sanctification process is a lifetime commitment.

It needs a lifetime to grow up and wise up and it won’t be smooth sailing. In our search for a healing ministry, we can come across wounded healers who may help us, but also wound us; or we come across people who have skill but not enough knowledge at the time to deal with the particular issue you’re struggling with (all people called to the healing ministry will face something that they can’t tackle — it comes with the territory — and they need to further learn from others to upskill themselves. And if they can’t help you despite a number of tries, please don’t badmouth them. They didn’t hurt you in the process, so don’t hurt them. Don’t help the enemy in his lies and slander).

As the apostle Paul says, who faced much opposition from his own people (1 Corinthians 4):

⁵ judge nothing before the appointed time; wait until the Lord comes. He will bring to light what is hidden in darkness and will expose the motives of the heart. At that time each will receive their praise from God.

And as Psalm 27 says to those who are oppressed:

¹⁴ Wait for the Lord;
    be strong and take heart
    and wait for the Lord.

Image by Ria Kartika from Pixabay

The Power of Blessing

COMMUNITY MONDAYS

Living in community is difficult. In his day, Paul wrote of the Corinthian church: “I fear that there may be discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, slander, gossip, arrogance and disorder” (2 Cor 12:20). Two thousand years later, not much has changed.

Someone asked, “How do you reconcile the fact that this is church and these are Christians?”

I said I don’t bother to reconcile.

Paul has already said that “our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms” (Eph 6:12). And their favourite sport is to pit Christian against Christian, using another favourite weapon — lies and suspicions planted in their minds, manifesting in destructive words and actions aimed at their target.

But Jesus has already given us a counter strategy: “Bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you” (Luke 6:28). So we are to build up in prayer, those who desire to tear us down.

To be honest, it took time for me to get to that point. As a new Christian, I just gritted my teeth and decided to pray for the person because God said so. But that Christian discipline guarded my heart from stewing in anger and bitterness.

Later, I learned to get my hurt ministered to by the Lord and then pray from that healed place because anyone who would systematically tear down another is seriously wounded herself.

I also saw the fruit in the lives of those who would slander others: inner darkness and torment, disease, and even death. Once, I saw a heavy cloud hovering over them, oppressing them and reaching a dark tentacle out towards their listener. When I saw that in the spirit, I told the speaker and asked her to stop. She did so and the cloud disappeared.

The Word tells us to stop slandering others. The Spirit showed me in one brief instance what was happening in the invisible realm.

Another story:

Years ago, I met someone who was so offended with another that she went to each church friend to rant against her target. I was rather taken aback by her abrupt approach and couldn’t make head or tail of her story and honestly, didn’t care to. I already knew the problem was her. Her target stayed silent and as far as I know, said nothing against her.

(One thing I have observed throughout the years is that people who are walking in the Spirit can discern the truth. So, if you’re the victim of a smear campaign, take heart. The people who matter are for you.)

One day, she suddenly fainted and her lips and nails started turning blue — a precursor of death; fortunately, she was with other Christians who interceded fervently for her life and rebuked the spirit of death. She revived; a subsequent medical checkup showed nothing wrong. After that incident, she stopped her activities.

God does judge; He also shows mercy.

And so, I learned to let offences go and be at peace.

You can’t change people’s minds about you. Much of it is projection because your looks, mannerisms and attitudes — innocuous to others, but triggering to them — remind them of someone, usually in childhood, who hurt them seriously.

You can only pray for them and then, move on.

Photo by Guillaume de Germain on Unsplash

The Cost of Freedom

You cannot know what Luke 14 means unless you have lived it out.

²⁵ Now great crowds accompanied him, and he turned and said to them, ²⁶ “If anyone comes to me and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be my disciple.

I have pondered over the phrase, “hate… even his own life”, and it’s true for me. As a child, I was too young to understand the implications and the motivations behind destructive behavior. Now, having paid thousands of dollars to healing ministries to attend their seminars and buy their materials, having flown thousands of miles to learn, even staying six months in the UK in the process, I have a much better understanding. And I got a lot of healing along the way.

²⁷ Whoever does not bear his own cross and come after me cannot be my disciple.

I contrast this with Matthew 11:

²⁸ Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. ²⁹ Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. ³⁰ For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”

I have learned over the years to release my burdens to the Lord and to receive His rest. That cross, just as it was for Jesus, was something that was put on me by others. At first, we trudge after Jesus with it. But as time goes on, as we mature in Christ, as we learn to transfer the weight of the cross to Him, it shrinks. And it becomes something that is light and easy — only what Jesus wants you to carry.

²⁸ For which of you, desiring to build a tower, does not first sit down and count the cost, whether he has enough to complete it? ²⁹ Otherwise, when he has laid a foundation and is not able to finish, all who see it begin to mock him, ³⁰ saying, ‘This man began to build and was not able to finish.’

³¹ Or what king, going out to encounter another king in war, will not sit down first and deliberate whether he is able with ten thousand to meet him who comes against him with twenty thousand? ³² And if not, while the other is yet a great way off, he sends a delegation and asks for terms of peace.

Following Jesus is a life-long journey with many ups and downs and detours. Many give up along the way and make peace with the enemy because in their mind, it costs too much to follow Jesus — whether it’s time, money or more likely, having to risk trusting someone, a minister you don’t really know with a fragile piece of your heart.

It takes courage to risk; I have been misunderstood, judged and talked down to by a minister who failed to see their own issues. But I picked myself up and went on. Why? Because I know that I too can make mistakes, and because I want to be forgiven, I forgive them too. And I moved on to others.

And in the process, I have come to know people that are on fire for the Lord, people I wouldn’t have imagined meeting in my wildest dreams — not perfect, but who are on a journey and are willing to face their own issues and apologise when they’re in the wrong — and who forgive me too, when I inadvertently hurt them. And with sincere apologies, the relationship is restored as before. That’s how healed they are.

 ³³ In the same way, those of you who do not give up everything you have cannot be my disciples.

We have to give up everything we’re holding — our pride, suspicions, cynicism, unbelief, our fears, our money, our past bad experiences — and start taking risks.

I have found that when I risk something for Jesus, do something that I know is helpful for me even though I’m afraid to try it, the rewards are great. Words fail to describe it.

Photo by Johannes Plenio on Unsplash

When Perception isn’t Reality

WEDNESDAY’S WORD

“Perception is everything,” a former boss used to say frequently and quite fervently. I knew something was on his mind, but I didn’t ask. Then I noticed it playing out in my life.

The meaning of this quote, for those of you who are a little behind here, is that what people perceive to be their reality is, in fact, their own reality.

askthemanager.com

What people perceive is actually their own reality. The issue is, they play out their “reality “on me, which has resulted in hurts and drama. Then, I had to adjust my own perception — the people whom I thought were mature and objective were not. They were acting out their presuppositions on me.

What they thought was me, wasn’t me. But they thought it was. And what could have been a rational conversation to sort out an issue became… Well, you can let your imagination run riot here…

Time and time again, it happened.

It became clear that no matter what others thought, I had to practice being precise about what I was thinking and believing, and to articulate it to them.

This is what Jesus wants. He wants us to clarify wrong perceptions. When we find out someone is offended over a perceived slight, we could take a moment to talk it out with them; conversely, when we are aggravated by what we think is a slight from another, we can initiate the conversation with a view to reconciliation.

These conversations can hopefully, result in an alignment of perception and we can move forward.

And what if these conversations don’t resolve anything?

Well, what I’ve found is that God isn’t in unreality.

Living in unreality results in a lot of hurt and drama.

I prefer to be where God is.

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. –Phil 4:8

Addendum: A reader asked me, “What if there isn’t trust?” My answer is, ask God to prepare all parties’ hearts and minds, to arrange a time and a place for the mutual conversation to take place. And then, let it go, forget it, stop chewing on it. It has become His responsibility; let Him handle the details.

Go on with the rest of your life.

When the time is right, you will meet and the conviction of the Spirit will be there.

An Encounter with Beauty

CREATION FRIDAY

A few days ago, I met a new friend who’d agreed to hike around the MacRitchie Reservoir with me. Our mutual friend couldn’t make it, so I met J by myself. As we got to know each other, it was interesting how she directed the conversation. First, she wanted to know how long I usually walked — it was 1.5 hours. Then I told her I’d just done some Pilates classes which helped me get my legs back into good order. Before, they were aching.

When she found out that my legs had just recovered, she suggested a shorter 1-hour walk. She knew where the Prunus trail would lead to, and how to loop back to the car park. She knew which trail was a boardwalk, which was rocky, which was sandy, and which was rubberised. She also knew that walking 1.5km would take approximately half an hour.

Knowing that I enjoyed walking, she suggested I hike the Green Corridor from Hillview to Buona Vista, ending there for a meal at the mall. The total time, including stopping for some pictures, would be 1hr 45 mins. She also said I should start early in the early morning as there are no trees providing shelter from the heat of the day.

I was blown away by her practical Servant mindset — in the first 20 mins of getting acquainted, she found out what I liked, how much walking I could handle and shared with me something she knew I would enjoy.

In return, I took a picture of her standing as the morning sun’s rays shone through the forest.

What a beautiful lady.

The Power of Blessing

COMMUNITY MONDAYS

For some weeks now, I’ve had a small group practice meeting one-on-one and affirming the good qualities they see in each other.

In Asia, this is counter-culture. In most Chinese families, children are seldom praised. The only exception is when a child gets no less than an A grade or is admitted into a well-known university — think Ivy League or Oxbridge. The metric for worthiness is performance, usually to do with academics, not quality of character.

So, meeting regularly with a group that desires to find their positive attributes and articulating them to each other is rather unusual. The result has been much self-discovery as each person realises that traits they take for granted are unique, and a blessing to the community.

I can’t reverse thousands of years of Chinese tradition through these exercises, but seeing people light up as their good qualities are blessed, is a reward in itself. And second, having them internalise these truths in their quiet time have resulted in greater self-confidence and so, a greater ability to tackle the challenges that life throws at them.

We’re still a work in progress, but I hope that affirming one another will be a lifestyle. When we are blessed, we are empowered to bless others.

I am really grateful to Rebekah Scott for her course in Unveiling Beauty, that started the ball rolling for me.

If you’re interested, go to https://sapphiretrainingcenter.com/ to check when it’s next being offered.

Photo by Vonecia Carswell on Unsplash

(This is a re-post as I’d accidentally deleted it)